Monday, February 3, 2014

Let it Go!

I have been meaning to write about the movie Frozen for a few weeks now, but I procrastinated too long.  I feel like I have been postponing it because this is such a significant topic for me. It may sound silly but this movie has impacted me a lot for many reasons.  It is very hard to explain but I will try, and I will let you know in all the ways that this movie makes me think about my life, and why it makes me want to cry.

Lets take this video for instance, with the song: Do you want to Build a Snowman:

This song is very cute and tender and my youngest daughter fell in love with this song and would sing it over and over. This actually touched my soul a lot, because it makes me think of several things. Me growing up as an only child, sometimes having a lot of time for myself. I could specifically relate to the part of the song where it says:

I think some company is overdue
I've started talking to
The pictures on the walls
(Hang in there, Joan! )
It gets a little lonely,
All these empty rooms,
Just watching the hours tick by
(Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock) 

But at the same time, it made me sad to think of my own daughters, how being 5 years apart from each other made them close but far apart at the same time. Things that made me sad a little bit because I know how hard it is not to really be able to play with your sibling as much as you would want, me because I didn't really have one, and my daughters for being in so different stages of life for now.

As the movie progresses I find myself relating more and more with it. The next song that makes me tear up is "For the First Time in Forever" especially if you go to 2:17 because that's where Elsa starts singing which is the character I relate to the most:

Elsa: Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know

Elsa: But it's only for today
Anna: It's only for today

Elsa: It's agony to wait
Anna: It's agony to wait

Elsa: Tell the guards to open up the gate
Anna: The gate

Anna For the first time in forever
Elsa: Don't let them in, don't let them see

Anna: I'm getting what I'm dreaming of
Elsa: Be the good girl you always have to be

Anna: A chance to change my lonely world
Elsa: Conceal

Anna: A chance to find true love
Elsa: Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know

Anna: I know it all ends tomorrow,
So it has to be today
'Cause for the first time in forever
For the first time in forever
Nothing's in my way!

This song is very powerful, you see Anna very happy to finally live and experience new things, and then Elsa is repeating to herself to Conceal, Don't Feel....Be the Good Girl you always have to be...

That part makes me tear up because it is totally me. I feel like that inside, like I have done that my whole life. Conceal, Don't Feel!! Be the Good Girl I always have to be.... and I used to have this part of me like Anna, all happy to experience life, but the Elsa in me took over sooo much that Anna has a hard time coming out!

It may seem hard to explain why, and it is based on a multitude of life experiences that I had that I felt the need to conceal my real emotions, feeling like I couldn't be myself, that I would not be accepted if people only knew. But at the same time there's this voice that tells me that it's OK to be myself. That my friends accept me that way, my daughters accept me that way... my aunt, my cousin. They both accept me that way... my brother... but then who is left?  My mom, my dad, my grandmother... it is very hard to say this. Because I LOVE them so much!! But I don't feel like I can be completely honest and be accepted by them.  Because we are so different, we have a belief system that is so different, and I can't disappoint them. So I conceal  and don't feel. The same it was with my ex husband, I could not be accepted just the way I was. He did not love the real me, and he did not love the fake me that was born as I tried to please everyone. No one does. But now I'm free from that, from him and I am free in my house.

So as I write this, with shaky hands I wonder how sad they will be when they read this. To know that I don't feel like I can be myself around them. And I know that they love me with all their hearts and that they think they love me unconditionally, and they think they would accept me, but I feel they don't. They don't because of the way they try to make me see the way they see. How many times I hear, do this, do that, don't do this, don't talk to this person, talk to this other person, he's no good for you, everyone is a pedophile, do your hair this way, dress this way, act this way, feel this way, eat this way, you have to loose weight, exercise more, that clothes makes you look old, like a whore, like a bum. This is wrong, clean the house more, feed the animals of the world, poor her, donate here, donate there, help this person, help this other person, it doesn't matter that you are overworked you still need to help me and work for me, and help me make my dreams come true, because it's your fault that I have not done anything, you don't help me, no one helps me, work less, but buy this, decorate this other way, it doesn't matter if you like it or not, because this is the way it Should be, this is the right way. I can't believe I have to tell you this!

This paragraph I just wrote is the most intense, scary, crazy thing I have ever written, because it has a whirlwind of things that I hear in my mind every day.

So going back to how the movie resembles my life, I would say that I cry the most on this part:  "Let it go"

 This song, every single word of this song is as it's written for me:
"Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation,
And it looks like I’m the Queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry

Here I stand
And here I'll stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
When I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand
In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway

I cry in this video because I fell like I am Elsa, and she was able to be free in this part. She runs away and lets it all go. She doesn't care! She is finally able to search for her potential, to see what she was capable of doing, and she does some amazing things, and I cry because I crave that, the day I can finally come out of this mental closet, not as a homosexual but as a repressed person that has been afraid to truly live, trying to be the proper way according to other people's thoughts.

I made in Bold the words that struck the most! And I feel like part of me has felt this way when my (ex)husband left. I was finally free from trying to be someone else every day.

And the final scene that I feel its also expresses what I feel as I fight with this concealed emotions and thoughts is this:

You don't have to protect me I'm not afraid
Please don't shut me out again,
Please don't slam the door
You don't have to keep your distance anymore
Cause for the first time in forever,
I finally understand
For the first time in forever,
We can fix this hand in hand
We can head down this mountain together
You don't have to live in fear
Cause for the first time in forever,
I will be right here
Please go back home, your life awaits
Go enjoy the sun and open up the gates
Yeah, but -
I know...
You mean well, but leave me be
Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and free
Just stay away and you'll be safe from me
Actually we're not!
What do you mean you're not?
I get the feeling you don't know!
What do I not know?
Arendelle's in deep, deep, deep, deep snow.
You've kind of set off an eternal winter... everywhere.
It's okay, you can just unfreeze it.
No, I can't, I - I don't know how!
Sure you can! I know you can!
Anna: `
Cause for the first time in forever,
Oh I'm such a fool, I can't be free!
You don't have to be afraid
No escape from the storm inside of me!
We can work this out together
I can't control the curse!
We'll reverse the storm you've made
Anna, please, you'll only make it worse!
Don't panic
There's so much fear!
We'll make the sun shine bright
You're not safe here!
We can face this thing together
Elsa: No!
We can change this winter weather
Elsa: AHHHHH...
And everything will be all right...
Elsa: I CAN'T!
The letters I put in bold is what impacts me a lot from this song. It expresses how Elsa has run away to be Free from her curse, but no matter how far she is, she realizes that this impacts her loved ones. She says that There's no escape from the storm inside, that there's no controlling the curse, There's so much fear, you're not safe here, I cant!
That's exactly how I feel. I have moved to New York to be far away from my family, and I'm alone, but I'm alone and Free!! But still, being away hurts them, so I feel like there's no escape from the storm inside of me, I have so much fear, and I feel I can't.

Why I can't because I can't change myself from who I really am, and I can't change the belief system of my family. I can't be who they want me to be, and I don't want to. But also I love them and I wish there was a way to be with them and feel like I can be myself, and be accepted, without thinking that they will be judging me behind my back, or feeling sorry for me, or trying to mold my life to their liking, or plotting to fix me.

Because I'm messy, and a workaholic, and I go to sleep at 4 am and wake up at 7 am every day, because my friends are a lot younger than me, because I like to drink alcohol, and sing, and dance, and I don't sweep the floor every day, nor cook, and I hate food, and I feel like I'm 28, and I enjoy talking to my daughters as if they were my friends, and I share with them every thing, and I can be obsessive, and sometimes compulsive, and I like to help people, even if it means that a lot of them take advantage of me, and I allow my daughters to go outside without hats, and with messy hair, and I'm not too strict, and I try to please them as much as I can, but I work too late sometimes and I travel once a month and I am just me.  I know I am a good person, with a good heart, I take care of my daughters by myself, I have my house, I pay my bills, I work hard and do it all alone, my daughters are in piano class, and dance class, and choir practice, and we go to church, and we read Bible stories at night, and they have good grades and even though they go to sleep late sometimes, some others they skip a shower, or eat only yogurt and cereal, cheese and eggs, in a day, or be late to school. It's true I'm not perfect and I don't pretend to be, I just expect my family to see that it is OK to not be perfect, to understand that I want to be allowed to be given the chance to be who I want to be, and have the friends I want to have, and raise my daughters the way I want to raise them, and if I make mistakes I want to learn from them. Have faith in me, know that I know what is best for my family, and I will do my best. I can't save everyone, I have to concentrate on my girls and myself. I am me, and I want to be allowed to be me.

Have you ever felt something like this? Can you relate?  
If not, did you like the movie Frozen? What did you think of it?


Sunday, January 5, 2014

Holidays and Happiness

The Holidays have passed and all you can see on Facebook are all the pictures of all your friends in their holiday parties. Parties of them dressed up, spending time with their families and friends, all happy, many blessings, all cheerful.

And even though my Holiday Parties were good, with my best friend and my cousin, I can't help but feel a tiny bit jealous of those people on Facebook. I see them in large crowds, all the family together, joking, drinking, smiling, having fun. And I wish I was there. At the same time I wonder what makes those people happy? Is it genuine happiness? Are they pretending and wishing the day was over?

I love Karaoke, and karaoke parties. I don't go to them often enough. But I see friends of mine enjoying that in their pictures.

What is happiness? This year I guess I have been on a roll, and I am writing more often now, and I want to explore through my writing my emotions. Because sometimes I look at my life as if I was outside of it looking in and wondering. What do I want?

I have friends, my daughters, my Church family, extended family even though they are far. But there's a part of me that still feels alone.  Today was a nice day, I stayed home with my girls, we cuddled, watched TV and ate some fun foods. We stayed in and stayed warm. But now, it's 10pm and the house is a mess and I didn't do laundry and the dishes are piled high. Not fun at all.

The week starts tomorrow, and there's school, and work and piano class and freezing rain. Tomorrow we are back to the routine of waking up at 6:30am and it makes me want to cry.

Am I silly? I write this to see if there's anyone else out there that can relate?
Do you ever see happy people and wonder how did they get there? Do you ever wonder if you are doing good by staying home and doing nothing all day just cuddling with your daughters watching TV. Will I leave the house a complete mess until Saturday? Who knows?!

I guess that in part, cuddling with my daughters in the couch with the cats all day watching TV seems like happiness, especially after hearing from them that they will want to live with me forever, and won't move out of the house until they are married and even then they will only move next door to me. That made me feel nice, because I tend to think that they will be moving away soon and I will be left alone without knowing what to do with myself. I'm glad to know that my daughters don't want to ever live alone, and they are just like me. So I'm set. I guess I'll never be alone, even when I'm really old at least I'll have the comfort of my daughters and hopefully they will have large families of their own.

I always wanted a large family, and I tend to fall in love with large families. I wonder if I'll ever have more kids, or if I'll just adopt or foster some kids at some point. I don't know. I feel nostalgia, and at the same time I know I'm good. I know that God is with me and that he has given me moments of happiness and he will continue to show me what that feels like.

It seems amazing but God has been with me more than usual in the past few weeks. He allowed me to experience the most amazing week of my life, and experience things I had never experienced before, so amazing that I look back at it as if it was a dream and wonder if it really did happen. And after that he blessed me and my daughters by giving us the ONLY flight that was not cancelled on Jan 2nd traveling from Orlando FL to NYC on a Snow Storm. And then after we got home there was street parking right in front of my house. If that's not God, then I don't know what is!

God is amazing and he is protecting me, and taking care of me, and inspiring me. I don't know what will happen at the end, but I'm sure that God's got my back and whatever he chooses for me it will be something amazing.

What do you think? Do you ever feel like this?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Fleeting Moments

Fleeting Moments

What would you do if you had just one moment to live? Would you try to make the most of it or would you succumb to the despair of the truth?

There are things in life that are just Fleeting Moments, just like the image above, where you can see just a left over of the bus and cars that passed by, and even though that moment has come and gone, the camera was able to capture but just a tiny bit of what it was and with it capture the beauty of the moment.

What if you never knew happiness and you were left with the option to have a fleeting moment of happiness with no promise to ever feel it again. What would you do with the rest of your life, knowing that that amazing moment may never come back. How would you ensure to extend the joy you felt? How do you make the most of it? Would you cry on your knees as you thank God for that moment? Would you cry with a grateful heart, yet cry and cry and cry? What if it was something even harder to deal with? What if you always wanted a child and they tell you you will have one, but he will die within a year. What would you do? Would you even choose to have it? What if he never dies? What if he does? What if the chances of him living are 10%? 5%? 1%?  But 1% is still a chance!!!!

How do you see the future?

All my life I have struggled with not knowing what the future holds, and at the same time not wanting to know the future if it's not going to be what I want. Yet since I came into Christ I have had something a bit different happen.  I have this Blind Faith in God. He knows what's best for me. So, that means that if something good happens to me now is because I deserve it. God loves us, and he would never want anything bad to happen to us. So when my thoughts start going south and down a spiral of negativeness then I have to stop myself and say: God wants what's best for me. I will be happy with what God gives me.

So why am I sad? I am sad because I am here January 1st completely alone in my house, and I sulk!!

What if I look back at my life and notice that every single thing that has happened in my life has been a result of other things that have happened. I can trace back things that have happened to me that without them today would not be true. God is supposed to be in charge, if we let him. And I let him.

There are many things that go through my head that I don't feel in the liberty to share here, like my questions on why God gives us what he gives us. My conflict stems from seeing some things and hearing other things that are in direct opposition of what you are hearing, but this time it's the opposite of what people are used to seeing.  There's the saying that says: Actions speak louder than words! and it's usually used when a person says things (I love you, trust in me, etc etc) yet acts in direct opposition to those words. But what if it was the opposite? What if a person says they can never love you, yet they treat you as if they did? Does that make sense??? Who do you listen to? The words or the actions? We tend to listen to the negative in either situation, but it makes no sense...But it doesn't matter. We can't tell what is real and what is not real.

But whatever the reason, I don't have to be sad. Tomorrow my girls come back and I won't be alone anymore. We will be able to cuddle together in the couch and do things together!

Wish me safe travels getting my girls back.

Do you ever struggle with crazy negative feelings when you are alone? Do you ever wonder what your life brings? How do you deal with it?

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